why do I hate rest day overtime

Once again, the office asked us to do rest day overtime because we are so failing in service level, the company is paying the client thousands of dollars. Our team doesn't want to at all, but well nothing you can do.

But our beloved coach did something that gave us a choice. We can go on OT on a half-day for 4 hours or not. Coach is not forcing us to do OT if we don't want to. He's like my parents who don't force me to do what I don't want unless necessary. I chose to do rest day OT because and no, it's not because of one of my teammates (ok maybe it is one reason), but because I don't want to see the visitors we have at home who're staying in until Sunday.

Now that I am here in the office taking calls I regretted my decision. First, I think I took a risk of failing a survey by coming here on a weekend (and my coach goes into explosive mode when one of his agents fail). Second, our coach suddenly left because he had a stomachache, which left us at a loss if our schedule for next week has been changed or not. We had a bad schedule and most of us (including me) are late risers. Coming to work at 6am is not cute.

So I'm at a loss.

I got to work and everyone seems to be glum. Or at least that's how I feel. I was raving a bit calling the customer an asshole and got reprimanded by one of my teammates who is our oic.

Almost an hour before I leave. I hope this is worth the time I wasted here in the office. I only slept for 2 hours this afternoon and I feel tired. I just feel energetic because I am almost leaving.

what is with people today?!

Bad moods sure run in the group right now. It all started with a mandatory OT from the office since our service level sucks so badly that we're being fined thousands of dollars already. That's capitalism for you.

We didn't like mandatory OT's but we have no choice. Either we go to work on weekends or get fired. What a life.

Then our coach is in one of his explosive moods. Argh. What's new.

I'm in a bad mood myself because I am being dislocated from my room because of some stranger who is the brother of my mom's cousin or whoever (couldn't care less) and his wife (the bitch) are going to stay over for the next two days. Dammit! Can't they find somewhere else to stay?! Don't they know that our house is only good enough for 4 people?! IDIOTS.

I wish this month is over.

sadness

Has it ever occured to anyone who's interested why there are some people who are NOT that lucky when it comes to the matters of the heart? For instance, why do some always fall for someone knowing that you can't have him/her? If he/she is not taken, you're not his/her type at all or you're just stuck as friends.

I've had enough. I just want to give it up and live my life as is, without pain, without joy, without love, without meaning....

I don't want to waste my life and my tears on something I know I cannot even attain. But even if that's the case, the same feeling still persists regardless of the pain and the heartbreak that comes along with it.

A deep sense of sadness covers my heart, overwhelming and painful that it leaves me at a loss.

LUST

¹lust
Pronunciation: 'l&st
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German lust pleasure and perhaps to Latin lascivus wanton
1 obsolete a : PLEASURE, DELIGHT b : personal inclination : WISH
2 : usually intense or unbridled sexual desire : LASCIVIOUSNESS
3 a : an intense longing : CRAVING b : ENTHUSIASM, EAGERNESS

This is defined from http://www.webster.com and here's another one from Microsoft Encarta Dictionary Tools:

lust [lust]
n
1. sexual desire: the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection

2. eagerness: great eagerness or enthusiasm for something
* the lust for power

[Old English , “pleasure, desire.” Ultimately, from an Indo-European word meaning “to be eager,” which is also the ancestor of English lascivious.]

It is more blunt in the Encarta, but regardless where and how it's defined, lust is lust: an intense sexual craving for someone. Intense. Sexual. Painful. Craving. Scary. Very, very scary.

Especially if the object of your passion is just near you, yet so far. The feeling is so strong that you want to fuck him or be fucked silly. You watch him from afar and wonder how his hands would feel touching your body...wondering how his lips would feel on your own lips...wondering how his tongue would feel caressing your skin...wondering how his body would feel moving against yours...wondering how he would feel inside you...wondering if he would fulfill all your fantasies and give you ecstasy...wondering when after all the passion has been spent if you would still want him to do you until you scream for him to stop and when he stopped you wonder if you still have the yearning to scream for him to start all over...

And you're left with that...wondering. Because you know for a fact that this is not going to happen in real life. You're just in your own dream world with him as the center of your desires. Only in your deepest and darkest delusions would you ever experience sexual gratification. Then when you're done dreaming all you feel is sexual frustration because you know that deep in the recesses of your mind that you can't have him...not in the way you want to.

Intensity

It never occured to me that intense attraction could lead to intense pain. I mean it's obvious that I am in-love with a previous guy (and still is) but this new guy suddenly caught my attention that I suddenly forgot about him.

Jokes are half-meant right? It was my fault getting carried away by all the jokes I get within the team. It has a manner of worming its way to my heart. It is not helping that he is sweet and has a low booming voice, which are two of my weaknessess in a man. Reiterating, I got carried away.

A colleague of mine said that the reason why we're being teased is because we're both good sports. Him, I'd understand but me? I'm a sore loser or pikon in Filipino. But I just decided to ride along since they're just jokes right?

So how the hell did I ended up taking it seriously?

Has it been possible that I fell for him without knowing it? Gee, I think I just answered my own question. Scrap that.

It hurts real bad when you know that he is within reach but at the same time you know that he's too far. I vented out my hurt by blabbing out to Sparky my cat who just stared at me blankly. He must be wondering if his mistress had gone nuts. It was also the reason why I took my cat to bed with me when I took a nap this afternoon. I need a live version of a stuffed toy to comfort me (and bite me as well to show that my kitty loves me).

I woke up later in the evening feeling better and dressed in my most unusual (bleached denims) which made some notice on it. My coach said that bleached denims are not allowed (of course he was joking). His girlfriend also kidded me about it as well. But on my way to work I was feeling hurt and wondering on how to cope for the next few days with him around all the time.

Earlier and until now I can hear his voice across me and I can see him, which is such a torment believe me. I'm just making myself strong because I know that this is not going to work.

I'm sick and tired of one-sided attraction. It's not cute anymore. Is it too much to ask to have a man who would love me for who and inspite of who I am?! Is it too much to ask?! Is it too much to ask to at least have an intense two-way attraction, something that takes your breath away?!

Maybe if I stopped brooding about it, it would come on its own. As the zen saying goes...if you want something, stop wanting it.

You know, despite of my harsh tongue and cynical nature I am a hopeless romantic, which is quite a contrast if you ask me.

I need to enjoy my life, with or without a man. But I also want to share my life with a man. Does that make sense?